In this case, I am using the word perfect to mean the girl who isn’t that girl. You know, the one who actually gets upset when something upsetting happens, or the one who speaks up when something is unfair, the one who confronts people know need it. This girl’s bitchiness or hormones are often cited in discussion, rather than the actual source of the problem. Who wants to be that girl when you can sit quietly like a cool, unflappable girl would, as if unfair and upsetting things would never even happen to such a person?
I’m guilty of using that girl in a negative way. My first use was in 11th grade, when my year-older boyfriend went to three (!) concerts with a girl that every guy in school liked, and who didn’t exactly have the best reputation if you know what I mean. But I didn’t want to be confused with that girl (to an extreme), who would be afraid her boyfriend was going to cheat just because he was going to a concert. Remain calm! Everything is perfect.
The end of that story is that he cheated on me with six people that I know of, not including that girl as one of the ones I know of. Somewhere in there it became my problem, if not exactly my fault, because I was too worried about other people thinking our relationship was perfect. That’s kind of hilarious, because there were at least seven people who knew for sure it wasn’t.
I wish I could say the fear of being that girl has gone away. But lately, I find myself doing the same thing in different ways. For example, just yesterday I thought to myself, I could say something now that conveys my anger and sadness and my “hey! I told you so,” but regardless, in six months or a year I will feel this indifference toward the situation and so why even appear like I care right now. But that just means the other parties think everything is ok, smoothed over, and any wrongdoing is forgotten. That is not even close to the truth. I do care, and I’m actually pretty pissed. Maybe it’s the new curly hair or something.
The most worrisome part of this is that on top of fearing that I’ll be that girl by speaking up, I also am hoping the other people figure out the offending behavior on their own. Um, yeah right. If I know anything for sure, it’s that people do not soul search and find themselves guilty.
In some areas, I have tried to improve. Recently, someone whose presence was a total disaster in my life got back in touch with me. But I was prepared this time around. And I definitely caught this person off guard. For once, they got off the phone thinking, what did I just agree to? like I used to do everytime we got off the phone, where preserving the appearance of me knowing what the hell was going on was the most important thing. For a minute I was that girl, and it worked to get me some of what I lost back. If only I had spoken up so much sooner, I wouldn’t have lost anything in the first place.
I have been thinking about this since I wrote the post about Elisabeth Badinter, the part about how women not only have to juggle motherhood and careers, but they are obligated to make it look easy. You don’t want to be that mom, right?
I’m totally over pretending like everything is ok, everything happens for a GOOD reason, and that learning a lesson should be sufficient consolation to a crappy situation.
The corollary to being that girl is using premature compromise, playing dumb, or the feeling-you-out apology, to avoid calling out someone who is going to do the wrong, selfish, or unfair thing. I refuse to use these methods anymore to protect other people’s interests when my own aren’t getting that kind of attention. If I’m asking for too much, please speak up, because I’m not going to make sure you feel comfortable not following through on a promise to me, or make it easy for you to do something wrong to me. And I know speaking up is hard; that’s why I’m in this boat in the first place! I should say, I don’t intend to abuse this- like push the envelope to see what people will take- I just mean that where I used to capitulate, I won’t anymore. Speak up for yourself.
Have you ever let someone get away with something to preserve the appearance of perfection?
I remember the first time I let someone know that they had hurt me. It was life-changing. It was so freeing. It’s still hard, and not something that comes second nature to me. I too, don’t want to be “that” girl – but, since having kids I’ve come to realize the importance of learning how to do it. I can’t and don’t always stand up for myself when I need to, but I don’t ever want to be in the situation where I should have stood up for my kids, and didn’t.
Why are there so many pressures put on women. You know some people will read this and be like “you are only putting those pressures on yourself” but, I find that hard to believe – that how many thousands of women all feel the same way but we’ve somehow done this to ourselves?
I am going to be ‘that’ girl from now on.
This relates to an issue I have been having recently. I had a friend who decided to email me out of the blue and tell me we were never friends. It was not only hurtful but I could give you a million reasons why we were! So I did just that after countless emails of tiptoeing around her feelings. I let her have it, (the truth that is!) and I did it in a way that wasn’t mean it was just finally me not being a doormat. She had actually accused me of maliciously making her out to be a fool, I couldn’t believe someone I care for would ever think something like that. So I told her how I felt, and how I had been a friend who didn’t know how to be real because I was always trying to remain “cool” and “perfect”. I never wanted confrontation. And all that happened as the two of us never confronted completely minor problems. To say we are all better now is untrue but I think both of us can stop wasting energy on the unspoken drama.
And more importantly the lesson I learned is that being the person who silently takes the blame, or lets things fall to the wayside … makes you a really great scapegoat. It just doesn’t work, and sadly the metaphor of a doormat is utterly true. People will just walk all over you.
I’m trying really hard to be “that” girl … and its definitely not easy, and finding the most effective methods is also hard since emotions tend to run rampant if you’re not careful.
BTW Val I love your blog, it reminds me their are women just like me that have the same thoughts, rants, concerns etc. Its nice to have a forum in which to share this, I find that often people I’m calling my friends lack depth and if I tried to have these types of conversations it would be a near impossibility.
Hey lady
Thanks for the comment.
It’s sad that people we think know us actually have no idea. It’s awful when you find out they heard something about you, or think something about you, to which their first reaction wasn’t, “That doesn’t sound like her.”
As for being “that” girl, I think it crosses over into “woman,” honestly. The reasons we keep quiet when we’re younger have a lot to do with social stigma and fear that goes away as we get older.
Nice to hear from you!